Till then, i travel alone.
Mood:  down
Now Playing: brit rock on accuradio
Every single time I think that things can’t get any worse, what do they do? I’m so ready to quit my job, pack up, and MOVE with no goal anywhere. It can’t be any worse than this laughing-fucking-stock that my life has turned into.

My job is beyond ridiculous. It’s depressing, upsetting, and a complete cluster fuck. We’re being blamed for everything that the boss does wrong, when none of it is something we can fix. I’ve already lost one of my best friends over it, I’m not waiting around till I lose more.

Most of my friends are pissing me off beyond belief. Anne is the only one I’ve got that hasn’t really driven me to tears the last month, and I hardly ever get to see her. Nikki, Ian, Scott, Tim, Baeden, Brian, Pete, Allen… they have all made me crazed and I really don’t want to see any of them anymore. I’ve turned into a total recluse, which is good in the saving money aspect, but bad in the “I’m gonna start talking to cats like they’re people” ratio.

Finally got the brush off letter from Allen yesterday. “it’s not you, it’s me”. Duh. I know it’s you. You don’t have to explain how fucking me made you feel guilty, and blah blah blah. Just say you don’t wanna do it anymore. I don’t need the guilt trip over it.

I’m just so sick of it all. Hate my job, hate my friends, have an obnoxious stalker, can’t get laid, in love with someone I can’t have, want to curl up in a ball and die. I can’t even get my mother to call me back anymore. How bad of a person do you have to be before your MOTHER refuses to talk to you.

Somethings gonna give. I’m just afraid of what that something will be.

D

fuckity fuck fuck.
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: a place called home (angel soundtrack)
So, things were looking up. I was actually, for once, pretty okay with how things were going in my life. I should have known that it would go down in flames.

In the last few weeks, I’ve had a friend tell me that he’d have to be beyond drunk to find me attractive. I had another friend call me a whore. I had yet another one pretty much say I was good enough to fuck but not to date (oh yeah, I’m looking for another job right about now). The guy I AM shagging is almost as depressed as I am, so no go on getting any. I’m having terrible nightmares and can’t sleep anymore. I have a feeling that something awful is going to happen. And I’m hungover.

I’m in love with someone that I can never have, and I can’t get over it. I’m not actually interested in anyone, but that doesn’t stop me from making an ass out of myself pretty much all the time. The only guys interested in me I am NOT considering, even in my most depressive, drunken, self pitying states.

AAARGGGHH!!!!!!!

I hate my job, I hate my life, I hate most of my friends, I’m sick of it all! I’ve got an exes ex stalking me (bitch showed up at work. I’m thinking of filing charges), I can’t talk to anyone, and I’ve got no one that I trust anymore. People throw my personal information around like a fucking party favor, and I can’t even stop to catch my breath before I’m ordered to yet another crisis.

I’m only 24 for fucks sake. Why am I allowing people to make me miserable? Why can’t I fucking move on, get out of this piece of shit state and start again? Oh yeah, you need money for that.

I’ve got a family reunion coming up in may. Maybe I can guilt some family members into helping me out. Then again, they never have before.

Fuck.

Dree

lemme see. ten percent of nothing is...
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: i'm on a mexican radio... accuradio at work.
I’m getting better at remembering to update this thing, yay me! Of course, it’s a private blog, so I’m the only one that will ever read it, but still…

Got to spend a good chunk of yesterday with Pete and Baeden. That was a nice change. I don’t get to see either of them often enough for my taste. Plus, after spending 7 hours with Nix on Friday, I was feeling quite empathetic for baeden. And there is, of course, the obscene amount of flirting that we can do. I love all my boys.

I think I’ve developed a crush on the newest bartender. At first, I thought it’d be nice to have something completely unobtainable to lust after… there’s nothing like knowing that no matter what you do, you can’t score. So I’ve spent the last week or so flirting like hell, and what happens? He’s starting to make eyes at me every once and a while. That was not the plan, dammit! If he’s obtainable, then I might actually try to make a play, and either fall flat on my face, or end up in ANOTHER relationship that’ll end up with a crash and burn. Why is my life a big soap opera?

Spent a good portion of Friday being everyone’s therapist. Again. First Nix, then she went bugfuck crazy on Allen, and I ended up trying to bolster his self-esteem for the rest of the night. Don’t think I’m the best person for that particular job, although it does help to be like “look, you know I think you’re worth the time, cause I’m nekkid in your bed right now. I at least have some taste.”

I can get where he’s coming from, though. I did the same thing when matt left me… with fewer push-ups, of course.

*sigh* I’m just tired of being in this rut that’s lasted, oh, forever. I hate my job, I can’t finish school until I pay off my outstanding student loans, I can’t get out of this state, I can’t find a decent relationship, and my friends drive me insane sometimes. I’ve cut down the number of cigs I smoke per day, and REALLY cut down on the amount that I drink. That leaves me a lot of free time that I can’t find anything to do with. I’ve gotten better about upkeep on my wards and supplies, but even that is beginning to get routine. I need something new, something different. I need Nathan fillion to show up at the store and take me away from all this. That’d be nice.

And I need a cat.

And a vacation.

And a lot of chocolate.

Ok, the chocolate I’ve got.

Fuck.

Dree

work is SO BORING
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: accuradio
why are we even open on Sundays. i've been here for four hours, staring at the computer screen, and it SUCKS. what's worse- i can leave after i do the daily at 11, but i'm sure no one will be around to play with when i get out. it's cold, it's boring, and i'm gonna go home and sit around with my freaking fish. SIGH.

In other news, i did end up splitting with the boy right after my last entry. two weeks now (or there about), and i'm not regretting it like i was afraid i would. that's a good sign, i suppose, but i'm back to one of my old problems now. why am i good enough to fuck, but not to date?

about three seconds after i dumped justin, it became a matter of when i was gonna bang allen again. that's what all my friends kept asking, anyway. and i was more surprised than anyone when it actually happened. then again, who wants to spend valentines day alone.

He's not even the problem that i'm having, though. he's just the latest in a list of guys that have found me decent looking enough to sleep with, but not interesting enough to date. it wouldn't really bug me, except it is a little harsh on the ego.

it was the biggest problem with the person that i actually WANTED to be with, it still is. Allen is a nice guy and all, and i'm sure that if he knew the issues i'm having he'd feel kinda bad about it, but gorrammit! one day i want to find someone that is attracted to me, that i'm attracted to, that is interested in actually BEING with me as opposed to just fucking and moving on.

why can't i find the balance? is it just unattainable and one day i'm going to have to accept that?

Never, i say! i'm stubborn, gosh darn it, and i'm not willing to desist.

unless the bunnies tell me to.

Dree

why don't things ever go smooth?
Mood:  loud
"hmm... i wonder what that'd be like." Kaylee

I knew it, i knew it, i freaking knew it. Barely five weeks in, and i'm already looking for a way to bail. It's so unfair.... and i'm starting to feel like a flakey, flighty prima-bitch. I don't think i'm asking too much, but i can't seem to find what i want.

Like, i find one guy that has all the things i want, and he doesn't want me. so i find one that's mildly interested in me, good in the sack, and a total sleeze ball outside it. skip to someone really into me with NO chemestry. then a series of one night stands with people just looking for sex.

and now i yet again have someone that IS actually into me... sweet, personable, affectionate. and it isn't enough. it's never enough. i think i'm just a detirmined single. i meet someone every once and a while that makes the rethink my state of singlehood, and realize all too soon that having to balance my life with a relationship makes me miserable.

But wait another two weeks! if i do end up doing the break up thing, in a sadly short amount of time i'll find myself thinking about what a dork i am for throwing away a semi-good thing. I'll get all morose and end up drinking too much and sleeping with someone that's friends with one of my exes. happens every fucking time.

i don't know. i don't know what i want. i just know that what i've got isn't it. but should i go ahead and bail, or try to get through my issues in case it really is a good thing that i'm just being paranoid about? Life makes no sense.

D

wow... i remembered i have a blog!
Mood:  lazy
dude... this thing still exists. weird. figured they'd have shut it down by now. well, maybe i'll get better at updating... no one but me ever sees it anyway. perhaps it'll help make a better 2006 to have some anonymous ranting to get out.

like... i'm tired of being a rebound girl. all the relationships (not to mention the random sex) i've had in the last 12 months has been with people rebounding. fun, yes. fulfilling? hell no.

i managed to shag five people last year, two of them exes, and two of them one night stands. not setting myself up too high there. this year will be better.

And maybe i one day will GET OVER the one person i can't seem to. i'm in a relationship with a really great guy now, and i know it's gonna crash and burn cause i'm STILL not able to move on. it sucks. and it's unfair. both to myself and the guy i'm seeing. LAME.

here's to 2006 making things better. optomism, that's what we all need.

Dree, sober and hating it.

Women make no sense sometimes. Myself included.
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: Richard Cheese- Down with the Sickness
Topic: chicks are weird.
I know I haven't updated in a long while, real life keeps throwing me curve balls. I'm a long way from where I was in my last blog. Not the zombie one, the other one. I'm still terribly obsessed with zombies.

I guess the largest change recently is that I'm dating someone steadily. That's very strange. I've gotten so used to being the liberated single girl. Now... I'm reminded of a quote from Rollins "man living in luke warm water... `henry!' `huh? Oh, lalala'." It, of course, is presenting an entire new set of issues, but even with those, I'm actually pretty happy. So, I fight.

Rob is being Mr. Pessimist, he keeps pointing out things like "it's only been a month, you shouldn't be this upset all the time" "he's neglecting you" "you deserve someone that'll put you before the playstation". And he's right, of course. But what he fails to understand, mostly because he's not IN this relationship, is that when I bring up these problems and say they either get fixed or we break up, they get fixed. It's not a perfect thing, but then, I don't think I'd be satisfied with something perfect. I'd always be watching around the corner for the drop.

John's not perfect. He can be, and is, an ass a great deal of the time. I'm not perfect either. I'm moody, and bossy, and highly opinionated. But it works for us. I'm happy a good deal of the time, he claims to be happy as well. That's really all I'm looking for. Robs ideals of someone that's going to make you blissful 24/7 are, to my view anyway, completely unattainable. Real life is messy, and not always pleasant.

I had another little breakdown today, which I'm not especially proud of. The rest of my life is so crappy, this thing with John seems to be the only thing going well, and I almost had to leave him last night. We got a lot straightened out, so we'll see how it goes.

Thing is, he's been especially affectionate and kind the last 24 hours or so. I'm not sure if it was the threat of loosing me, or if he finally realized what a jerk he was being, but it's totally thrown me for a loop. I'm used to him being a dick 95% of the time, I don't know what to do with someone that wants to make me dinner and tells me I'm beautiful. It's weird.

But anyway, I dropped him off at his place earlier and totally spazzed out. He didn't notice, thank the gods, but I got home and just went to itty bitty pieces. I don't know what's up with me. I think the emotional train wreck that was this last week finally just caught up to me. I feel a lot better now, a bit weepy still, but I'm a girl, I'm allowed to be. Again, quoting Rollins, "sometimes I just need to cry." "NO! You should cry in times of war! There has to be a reason, why won't you tell me?!?" Women are strange creatures, and sometimes we just need to cry.

Well, that's my rant for the moment. Things could be better, they always could. But they're a bit better than they have been, and that's really all I can hope for at the moment. Least I'm getting some on a regular basis. Go team!

quizes (cause myspace blogs hate html)

You are a Dead Alive Zombie. You or somebody that
bit you was infected by the Sumatran Rat
Monkey. You are intent on killing and shredding
anything that moves, unless you're full of
tranquilizers. You can't be killed unless you
are completely chopped to bits.


What kind of Zombie are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Nostalgia
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Loreena McKennitt
Do you ever find yourself fixated ona time you'oll never recapture? a period of such unrepentant happiness that will never be seen again? and do you curse the fact that you'll never know again such joy?

I can pinpoint moments when i thought "enjoy this as much as you can, dree. you'll never be this happy again." and it was true.

Crawling the Cats looking for ghosts.

Painting set before a campout.

Camping with the pagans, waking at 3am for lakewatch... not sleeping at all because the bards are talking all freakin night long... clinging to your best friend because it's fucking 4 am and you're having to babysit a marsh to make sure no one drowns and it's cold as hell..

dancing with the rest of the freaks, knowing no one cares about your tummy or love handles or lack of boobs, but the movement of the drums that is all that matters...

sitting on top of your best friends car, smoking cig after cig behind the school while talking about how rockin the future will be... covering your guy friend and laughing racously with your roommate as E pees on the school... the very door you'd all waited by for tech rehersals many times...

How many of these memories will i lose before long?

All day and night D&D sesssions at Redd's place.. with midnight snack runs and knowing that you'd rahter die than give up what you have..

more once i have the energy to continue... for now, weepy night all.

Grow the hell up
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: moulin rouge- meet me in the red room
I want to hit something. I want to keep hitting something until my knuckles bleed. Again. I think they're almost healed enough from last time. But the stress relief was worth the scaring.

I AM SO FUCKING FRUSTRATED RIGHT NOW. I just want to have a couple of days with no phone calls, no internet, no job, no interruptions. To try to figure out the rest of my fucking life. Is that really so much to ask for? I finally grew a pair, managed to end a very unhealthy relationship. Can't I have a few days time to find some closure for that?

*Bangs head against wall* I need time to myself. Why is that so much to ask for? I don't have friends to talk to, no one to confide in. There's no one to give me advice, to guide me. And yet, there is no end to the requests for advice, guidance, help. I don't mind giving it, but could I GET SOME once and a while? Is there to be nothing left for me?

I know I'm little miss independent. I'm proud of that. But eventually, after giving all I can to everyone else, there is nothing left for me. I can only help everyone else and ignore my own problems for so long before I lose my mind. I love helping people. That's my only true purpose in life.

But when it ends up with me spending all day helping others, then going home and curling in a ball on my kitchen floor for two hours.... There's only so much one person can do. I've lost myself. And I think I have to find the time to get me back. I realize that may be selfish of me. Sometimes you have to be selfish. No one else here is going to help me, I have to help myself. And so I shall. And if the rest of you have a problem with me not being at your beck and call 24/7, fuck off.

This is it. Dree is clocking out for the day. You have problems? Talk to me, and if you're willing to be honest about them and listen to my advice, I'm here. If you want to be mopey and self depreciatory, and feel sorry for yourself, go somewhere else. You can only heal if you want to, and if you want to stay in a tunnel of pity, I can't help you.

Lady D, handing in her notice and walking out the door